I'm Finally Me

I have had my second "Hallelujah" moment of 2018. And again, it's only a reminder of what I should've known all along.

All of last month, I've let myself believe that my abilities and specialties can be counted on one hand. I distanced myself from the "Believe in Yourself" trope and avoided thinking that I was strong or smart. That has started to change now.

It started at the beginning of this month, when I found out that my grandparents' anniversary was in a week. This calls for  one of my special handmade gifts, I thought. Now, I had visions in my head for what I could do, and I decided to use one of those. I am proud to say that it turned out exactly as I envisioned it – in fact, I posted a picture on Facebook. I'm very proud of that work of mine, as I am proud of everything I've ever made.

It made me realize, though: this is a trait I've always had. The visions I have in my head of the things I'll make have become a reality – whether it's a greeting card or a black, gold,  and silver frame, or just an underwater scenario shaped like a pizza (it has happened before). There have been countless times when I've been able to dream something up and give it a real, tangible shape. It happens in the articles I write, and in the crafts that I make. And at the end of it all is the sheer pride and satisfaction while presenting my work – either by blogging or giving the gift to its recipient. Then I feel like the Gallbladder character from The Awkward Yeti comics: "I maked these!" And if I can do it with my work, I figure I can do it with my life, too: I can make my dreams come true.

Is it that I dream realistic dreams or is it that I've just got that spirit in me?  I do not have the answer to that.

Now come the pitfalls.

If Isaac Asimov came up with the three laws of robotics, I can come up with a handful of laws of Soumya-tics.  And a law that comes with this trait is this: I needs my freedom. I need the freedom to say no, and I need the freedom to dream whatever I want to dream. It sounds simple enough, but let me walk you through this:

•  A gift for a loved one is made out of the sheer desire to do something for them.  No expectation of anything in return other than the happiness that lights up their face as they receive it. That's why I keep my gifts a secret for as long as I can. 
•  I make whatever comes to mind for the sheer pleasure of it; it is never to put on a show or to prove a point. 
•  My articles come to me because of the lessons I've learned or the mistakes I've made, so of course there is a (often huge) span of time between one passage and the next. 

 So here are the things that can go haywire:

•  When I've been given an unreasonable deadline 
•  When I have to use my abilities for competitions that do not appear to be healthy or well-spirited; they just exist to prove a point 
•  When I need my creative juices to flow for a subject (either a topic or recipient) I know nothing about; or, if I have an established opinion, it is not appropriate to articulate it 

That is basically where my abilities stop. It's like the singularity in this universe. But that does not mean that these are flaws. It is a package deal: take it or leave it.

I felt the need to write this because it has happened to me. This is what was in the background during all of my high school activities. The trope was: "Use your creativity, but NO NOT LIKE THAT." So let me clarify: this is what I've always wanted to shout into the ears of those who wouldn't let me say 'no'.

Original date of writing: May 11, 2018