Not On Display.

Practically every waking minute, I feel as if I’m under scrutiny. I feel like all eyes are on me.

There are many complicated reasons for why I feel this way. A lot has changed, and I really don’t think I have a definition anymore. But what of the people who knew me before I entered this in-between?

This one’s for them.

I’ve been described as brave, intelligent, creative, focused, determined, mature, leader-like, and a lot of other stuff that I’m proud I was able to display. Certainly, none of that was pretense; I don’t have the energy to do that kind of thing. I’m just left wondering how much of that still describes me as I am right now. I lost contact with a lot of people in a certain timespan, and I think my descriptors have changed since then. The result is that I can’t keep up with the scrutiny whose basis is descriptors from an age where I was very unkind to myself and to the people I care about.

The reason I’m thinking about scrutiny is that things didn’t go as planned. I thought that some variables were under our control when they really weren’t and I realized that too late. It was a real plot-twist; I’d say it brought me down to my knees, but I don’t want to overstate anything. My eyes did open in a big way, though.

The repercussion is that I can’t leave here. And honestly, it’s scary because I think about the past and let it become a yardstick for my future. And then I think about myself as a student. What do I want to learn? Why? Am I happy with it?

The answers in that order are: Astrophysics. Because it’s my life. I’m happy with it.

Then it really shouldn’t matter where I study it, when I study it, and how I study it.

But it does, because I feel like I’m under scrutiny and on display.

In the spirit of not overstating anything, I don’t want to say I’m having self-confidence issues or anything else. I will only state the truth as I see it, sequentially.

Without any strings attached, my parents asked me to at least attempt the JEE without cracking open any textbook. Just to see what kind of exam it is. Okay, sure. I like that idea. It’s not like I’m personally too worried about the results.

“But if you do make it to Advanced, don’t miss the opportunity.” Why? Because if that happens, I get to study what I’m happy with for certain at a college affiliated to the space agency. Suddenly, I got the motivation that if nothing else, I at least don’t want to blank out during the exam. That much is my personal investment. So began a journey to recovering my studies from the final two years of school. Except this time, I wanted my own terms and my own pace. Passing the JEE is still pretty far-off. But I want to make the most of what I have. So online resources it was.

Registration for the exam: done. Research paper: written and submitted. A full day of R&R: check. Subject 1: Math. And I started getting that feeling back: that feeling that tells me, “Yes, I love this. This is magic. And I want to become a magician.” That is the feeling that has been carrying me through what is actually fairly rigorous work.

Or so one would think when one is out of touch with the reality that puts one in context, so to speak. A harsh reality check came in the form of someone from my past whom I held in…well, in decent regard. But two years is a long time, and having this person be back, even though I didn’t realize it, brought back a feeling that left me pressurized and suffocated. My idea of learning at my own pace was getting dashed. Science once again started feeling like a subject that bound me in chains instead of making me feel liberated and empowered.

Where stuff starts to go wrong is when you think that this new feeling is the normal one while the feeling of liberation was never real. Science that makes you happy is not “real science” is what it felt like. And since “real science” is this difficult, and I’m not able to keep up with it, am I really a scientifically inclined person at all? That question drove me nuts.

With the blessing of being hardened by my experiences some two-odd years ago and in a state of mind what doesn’t let my thoughts spiral, it didn’t take much to recognize a repetition of history and stopping it.

Realize that getting into a bad habit or just a bad space is pretty easy. Getting out is the challenge. And that did happen. I had a vivid nightmare with the disconnection process, but I know what I’m doing is the best for me.

The disturbance happened because I don’t fit a mold anymore. I am still scientist Soumya, but that’s because that’s who I choose to be. I also choose to not have a definition for the time being. I’ll sing one day and draw the next. And the day after that – who knows? But what I want to vigilantly implement is something I promised myself when I graduated high school: It’s me, and only me.

Who am I? Is a very good question, but it’s a question that people take lifetimes to find the answer to. And hell, I’m not very far into the journey yet. I’m okay with not knowing the answer just yet, and so are the people currently around me. And if you’re reading this, and you’re a current person in my life, I really do want to address this with you. When people see good, they expect good. And I…am starting to realize that. I’m glad there’s some good in me, but I implore you to understand – not all of it will come out at once. And it won’t come out on command. It’s my quirk; that’s just how I tick. And I need you to accept that. A lot of you do, and thank you for that.

But to those who try to fit me into a set of descriptors, I have a major request. Don’t do that. You’ll set yourself up for disappointment. And your disappointment will make me spiral into self-doubt and I really don’t need that.

And if that’s  not doable or if none of this made any sense to you…

Please don’t make me finish that sentence.

And let the takeaway be this: I am not on display. But if you decide to scrutinize me anyway and don’t like what you see, I don’t want to be held responsible, and I certainly don’t want to hear you booing at me.

March 21, 2020 - April 04, 2020